Happy Halloween to all my lovely readers out there in the aethernet. Have you got your spooky on?
Today I have a super special guest for ya’ll: The Zombie King himself, Mr. Jack Wallen! He’s here to talk about the Smexiest Horror films. (Horror films can be sexy. Who knew!)
But before I let Jack take over, I post this important Public Service Announcement:
This could save your life, people. Seriously.
Ten Smexiest Horror Films of All Time
As you might expect, the Zombie King loves him some horror. Even better, he likes him some sexy horror. That’s why I decided to list out my top ten sexiest horror films of all, and I mean ALL, time. Of course, before I dig into smexy, I figure it would be wise to define just what it means for a horror film to be smexy. Seriously? Horror?
Of course! Why not? To be scared means the heart races, the blood pumps, adrenaline is pushed into the system — you know, the same kind of responses one has when, well, makin’ the smexy. And horror can achieve this in many ways. Fear, costuming, sex, the thrusting of knives, the drinking of blood, the eating of souls, cannibalism…oh wait…maybe not that last bit. But you get the idea.
So, without further adieu, let’s get down to some dirty business.
1 Hellraiser. I realize I include this in so many of my favorites lists. But Clive Barker’s brainchild — the film that catapulted my idol to success, oozes sex. Not only in the costuming, but the very idea of the Cenobites asking the solver of the puzzle “What is your pleasure?” The answer, of course, is pain. It’s smexy…it’s seriously smexy.
2 Return of the Living Dead 3. This one surprises most, but a hot female, in a short skirt, fishnet, and combat boots going all zombie and wanting to eat the flesh of others — need I say more? And besides that, it’s not a bad entry in the Return of the Living Dead series. Give it a try…you’ll warm up to it (if you know what I mean).
3 Zombie Strippers. Really? Seriously? It stars Robert England and ex-porn queen Jenna Jameson. You have hot stripper women in pole dancing in outfits I’d love to have hanging in my closet. What more can you ask for? You can’t. Period.
4 Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Gary Oldman as the Count really doesn’t get my smexier. Not only is his performance about the best to ever get fanged up, he makes your heart weep and your loins burn. Name me one vampire film smexier? Well? Well? You can’t, can you?
5 Candyman. I have one thing to say about this one — Tony Todd. The man’s voice is the closest thing to Barry White Hollywood has ever had. Slap a hook on his hand, have Virginia Madeson acting against him, and you have the makings for not only a ridiculously scary movie, but one hell of a smexy ride.
6 Skinwalkers. Rhona Mitra. Rhona Mitra. Say it with me. Now, turn Rhona Mitra into a wearwolf and say it with your eyes closed. This movie is one of the best werewolf films you will ever see. But the single most important aspect of this film is, well, Rhona Mitra. If she doesn’t make you purr, nothing will.
7 Underworld. This film is all about the vinyl and the color blue. The film is beautiful to watch and not just because of seeing Kate Beckensale in PVC vinyl. The rage, the power, the friggin’ vampires at war with the lycans! Wow, what a mixture. Oh, and the soundtrack…sexy sells and this film sold like k-razy!
8 Resident Evil. Milla Jovavitch stole my heart when I first saw her in one of my favorite films The Fifth Element. She is not only a thing of beauty, the woman can act like mad. Slap her in a seriously sexy dress, give her a gun, and make her fight the undead (be still my heart) and BAM! We have a winner.
10 True Blood. It’s not a film, it’s a TV series, but it’s the sexiest damned TV series to ever grace the screen. More curves, more abs, more sex, more sex, and more sex. Vampers are just mad hot in this one. Eric Northman? Yeah, I’d go gay for him for one night. Sookie? I’d go back to straight for her. It’s all crazy smexy all the time. If you can watch this show and not get yummy, you crazy bitch!
Well? was I wrong? Look me in the eye and tell me I was wrong. Watch one of the above films and remain a cold, lifeless, undead corpse and I’ll eat my…well…let’s leave it at that.
Thank you, Jack, for that kick-ass post! I can tell I’ve been woefully remiss in my smexy horror watching.
Don’t forget, Jack’s I Zombie I is still absolutely FREE until the end of October. So, hop over and get it before the zombies nom your brains.
And once you’re done there, get the sequel: My Zombie My. Trust me, you’re gonna want to read this bad boy.
And that’s all she wrote folks. Have a fabulous fun-filled weekend and I’ll catch you on the flipside.
…beware the jaws that bite, the claws that snatch…